


Hurt until my words are out flat (can I whisper it back)

by awkwardturtle10



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Also fluff, F/F, angst? with happy ending, post reveal au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-06
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-11-26 01:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20922182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardturtle10/pseuds/awkwardturtle10
Summary: It was foolish of her to think that her secret would not be the downfall of their relationship, that somehow Lena would have understood why she kept it from her. She should have learned by now, everything she touches, she ruins.---In which Kara and Lena find their way back to each other again.Post reveal au





	Hurt until my words are out flat (can I whisper it back)

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise if this isn't any good and for the mistakes because this is kind of half-assed. But I finished it, so that's an achievement right there lol.

There is something peaceful about being on L-Corp’s balcony—specifically, the CEO’s balcony. The building itself is not the tallest in the city nor does it have the best view, but Kara does find comfort being there, watching over her second home as the night drifts away. 

She tells herself it’s because of how easily she could see everything from up there despite her known ability to fly above the city itself, thinks it’s because of how effortless it is for her to spot her favourite places. They were silly excuses—ones that she deluded herself with. Because making a safe place out of a person who tends to accompany her when she’s out on the balcony, soaking in the view of the city and be just_ Kara _ and nothing else, is never really a good thing. 

Especially when that person decided to cut all ties with her.

It has been a year since Lena left for Metropolis, vanished without a word to Kara or any of her friends. She should've realised that something was wrong when Lena didn’t reply to any of her texts, but Kara knew how much Lena loved Lex and how loss felt like. So, she had given her friend space to mourn her brother's death. She didn't think much of it until a day of unanswered text messages and calls became two, and then three. When Lena finally replied, it was already too late.

_ I know. _

There was no clarification needed. Her radio silence, her smiles that didn’t quite reach her eyes when they had their last game night made everything clear enough. 

Lena knew that Kara is Supergirl. 

The brutal realisation of losing Lena because of her secret, her lies, hit her like a tide that tugs her into the ocean, leaving her to sink into the darkness where there isn’t a speck of light and it’s so silent yet so loud. She couldn’t breathe. It felt like losing a part of her world all over again. 

It was Alex who found her, curled up in front of Lena’s apartment, with her back against the door, where nothing of Lena’s remained on the other side. Everything afterwards was a blur of events she barely remembered, but somehow Alex managed to bring her home and laid her on her bed. Her sister stayed close next to her throughout the night, holding her tightly as she cried herself to sleep.

It was foolish of her to think that her secret would not be the downfall of their relationship, that somehow Lena would have understood why she kept it from her, and they would have been fine in their own bubble. She should have learned by now, everything she touches, she ruins.

A year passed and the hurt still lingers. Kara is still _ sinking _ and as a person who has never been the best on dealing with her own feelings, Kara tries to avoid anything _ Lena. _But it’s easier said than done. The woman is such a huge public figure, Kara sees her everywhere without trying—on the news, in articles. It makes her heart flooded with tears every time. 

But the universe moves on and Kara is trying, holding herself together as best as she could. Alex makes things easier. Her sister is always there for her, keeping her grounded whenever she feels lost. But Alex is only human and Kara feels like she is always taking, always too much. So, sometimes when she feels overwhelmed, she goes back to the balcony, where she can stare at National City and the stars above without feeling the burden of Supergirl or Kara Zor-El, despite the absence of her best friend.

Tonight was one of those nights, a desperate consolation that has been long overdue. She has been busy lately, with CADMUS' new antics and her new position as a senior journalist at Catco. It leaves her little time to herself, which she takes as a silent blessing, one that helps her to think less of Lena and leaves little time for her to be swimming in her own guilt. 

She loves nights like this, where the sky above her is clear enough (with her eyesight anyways) that she could see constellations, ones which she and Alex used to love seeing when they were just children back in Midvale. She takes in the cold air, breathing out a blissful sigh with a smile gracing her face. Her ears pick up a song playing on the radio not far away, probably in the comfort of someone’s home. Kara finds herself humming softly to the tune, her eyes fixated on the stars above her.

The smile on her face doesn't last long. It’s quickly replaced with a frown instead when she hears it—the annoying, persistent beeps of her phone. She expected this, since she did run away, but she was hoping by chance, that they would’ve let it slide this time. 

Grumbling begrudgingly like a five year old, Kara lets the device beep for a few more seconds, bracing herself as she answers the awaiting call with a chirped voice, hoping to ease the caller’s mood. “Hey Alex.”

“Don't _ hey Alex _ me.” 

Kara visibly cringes at the wrath in her sister’s voice. Clearly, her attempt to ease Alex’s temper doesn’t work. She begins to open her mouth with the intention of apologising, though Alex, who is bent on giving her a lecture, cuts her off promptly. “You've been hit by kryptonite, Kara. The _ least _ you could do was lie on the sun bed for a few hours.” 

Kara did lie on the sun bed. Granted, it was like for five minutes. But she's not going to tell Alex that.

“I’m _ fine _ , Alex. If I was _ not _ fine, I’d be in the DEO, passed out and in no condition to run off,” Kara jokes nonchalantly. 

The line falls silent and Kara thinks that she has _ really _ done it this time. She holds her breath, tapping her fingers on the cool metal railing as she waits for her sister to respond with something, hopefully, less threatening.

“You're an idiot, you know that?" Alex huffs, angry and annoyed. Kara smiles faintly.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Honestly, just...” Her sister pauses, breathing out a long, heavy sigh that makes Kara filled with guilt for the unintentional distress that she had caused. “At least let me know that you’re leaving first before you go off to L-Corp.” 

Kara lets out a weak laugh. Of course Alex knew that she would be at L-Corp. It wouldn’t be surprising if her sister knew her whereabouts without using the DEO’s tracking device. As Alex would’ve said it, it’s her sibling-spidey-sense.

“Yes boss,” Kara says humorously and when Alex stays quiet on the line, Kara feels the need to reassure her. ”Really, Alex. I’m fine.” 

Alex only hums in return. 

“I’ll text you when I get home.” The silence between them persists as Alex continues to stay quiet on the line. Kara begins to wonder if her sister is still mad at her. “Alex?”

"Yeah, I'm here.” The lack of annoyance in her sister's voice makes Kara exhales with relief. "It’s just––I need to talk to you about something. Maybe we can do it over dinner?” Alex asks, her voice laced with nervousness that causes Kara to frown. “Actually, I'm already at your place.” 

“It’s not something bad, is it?” 

“We’ll talk and then we'll figure out if it’s bad.” 

“_ Okay _, now you’re making it obvious that it’s something bad.” At her reply, Alex lets out a high-pitched laugh and if Kara wasn’t worried before, she definitely is now.

“Well…” Alex pauses to clear her throat and Kara waits patiently for Alex to continue despite her growing nerves. “Sam called.”

Kara frowns deeper. The last time she saw Sam was a few weeks ago. She looked well and was excited yet terrified about Ruby’s newly discovered powers. Kara had promised her that she would come visit soon. “How is she? And how’s Ruby? Are they okay?” Kara asks, her voice growing frantic with every question.

“They’re fine,” Alex replies sincerely, confirming that nothing bad has happened to the Arias family. Kara feels the tension leave her body though not completely, as Alex is still yet to tell her about whatever it is.

"You sure?"

“Yes, they're okay. Just...come home and we’ll talk. I’ll buy potstickers.” It's a bold offer, one that Alex clearly regrets based on the painful groan that escapes her. Kara covers her mouth to hide her growing laughter. “Please don’t go wild on the potstickers,” Alex pleads. “I’m gonna be broke if I keep buying you insane amount of food.”

“Hey!”

“I’ll see you soon. Don’t be late.” With that, Alex drops the call, leaving Kara dumbfounded as she stares at her phone with bewilderment for a few seconds before she shakes her head and shoves the device back into her red boot. 

She pushes herself against the railing and makes a move to head home but falters when she hears the office door creaking open, followed by the sound of footsteps that’s so awfully familiar. 

Kara turns her head towards the door. Her heart drops.

“Lena.” It comes out quivering, an involuntary whisper that escapes her. She stands on the balcony frozen, with her eyes locked on Lena who is across the room, staring at her through the glass window with wide eyes.

They stand unmoving, quiet. 

Panic seizes in her chest as Kara makes a move to flee but she stops when she hears it, her name being called, soft upon Lena’s lips. 

“Kara.”

It was like a spell that ties her to the ground, leaving her to stand there helplessly as Lena walks out to the balcony, her pace gentle, almost as if she doesn’t want to scare Kara away. She stops when she's close enough, a few feet apart from Kara, who trembles underneath Lena's intense gaze, feeling terribly bare despite being in her super suit.

“I’m–”

“I was–”

Kara smiles tightly, swallowing the lump in her throat as she nods her head towards Lena. “You first." 

Lena blinks at her. There's clear hesitation on her face as she opens her mouth to speak, pausing briefly before she finally manages to say, “I-I was just getting some documents." 

It was a logical explanation, a _ clearly _ understandable reason since this is in fact _ her _ building and _ her _ company but Kara doesn't understand. She doesn't understand Lena’s presence, her being in National City again because in that one year, Lena never once came back. Kara knew. She stopped hoping after five months. 

To see Lena in front of her after a year of her absence is like a dream. But Kara can’t quite tell if it’s a good kind or a nightmare.

Lena casts her eyes downwards, looking at her tangled fingers briefly before her gaze rests on the House of El’s crest on Kara's chest. With Lena's eyes on her, Kara finds herself holding her breath.

“I’m glad the suit fits,” Lena tells, without any malice. 

Kara looks down at her new suit, the one which Lena had made for her when she was still in National City, left in the DEO’s vault for Kara to use whenever she’s ready for a suit change. Something that was hard for Alex to bring up after Lena’s departure. 

She doesn’t tell Lena how she couldn’t breathe when Alex first showed her the suit, doesn’t tell her how it took her months before she could even put it on or how she cried when she wore it for the first time. Because after all that has happened, Kara was reminded again, on how amazing, caring and kind Lena was. How Kara had hurt her friend to the point where Lena felt like she had to run away and wants nothing to do with her. Kara threw it all away because she was afraid. Selfish, coward, _ liar _.

Kara tells Lena nothing. Instead, she thanks the woman for making it, her voice soft, she’s not even sure if Lena heard her but Lena does. She nods and they fall into silence again. But the silence doesn’t last long, not when it feels so suffocating that Kara desperately needs to break it. 

“I’m sorry. I just come here sometimes,” Kara says, feeling guilty for invading Lena’s space.

Lena seems surprised by her sudden apology, shaking her head to dismiss it. “It’s fine.”

Kara doesn’t know what came over her. Perhaps, it was the longingness screaming in her heart that leads her to meet Lena’s eyes. And what a grave mistake it is for her to make—because Lena is smiling at her, with that same adoring smile that she has for her when they’re alone, curled up on her couch with a romcom playing on the television and Kara has too many potstickers in her mouth. It’s that smile that Lena has _ only _ for her.

Kara stops breathing entirely. 

Somehow, the spell breaks and Kara manages to move again, stumbling as she takes a step back. “I have to go. It’s nice seeing you again.”

She doesn’t give Lena the chance to reply as she shoots off high into the sky, above the city, flying as fast as she can. Everything is too loud, too bright. She closes her eyes, blindly navigating through the atmosphere, using the sound of a familiar heartbeat as her compass. When strong arms engulfs her tightly, gentle fingers caress her hair as if to let her feel something, Kara finally lets herself fall.

“Alex–”

“I’m here, Kara. I’ve got you.”

Kara breathes and breathes and _ breathes _.

“So...” Alex drawls, treading gently as she takes a seat next to Kara on the couch, leaving a comfortable gap between them. Her eyes are on Kara, looking at her like she’s a piece of glass that is about to break (again?) and Kara wishes Alex would stop because she’s fine. At least, she’s trying to be. But this is Alex, worried-sister-extraordinaire. Kara cannot fault her for it, not when she does the same with the older Danvers. 

“That hasn’t happened in a while.” 

It’s an obvious statement, one that Kara does not wish to comment. The last time she had a panic attack like that was a few months after Lena’s disappearance. Kara doesn’t want to think about it. The tongue in her mouth still feels too heavy and she isn’t sure if she can mutter anything out without sounding like she is crying. So, she waits for Alex to continue, letting her do the talking instead.

“You saw her, didn’t you?”

Kara turns her head towards her sister with a betrayed look on her face. Alex can only smile weakly at her. “I was going to tell you. That’s what the phone call was about,” she tells, sounding apologetic and Kara can tell that she is. It’s just that Kara wishes Alex had told her sooner. Then, she wouldn’t have gone to the balcony and it would have saved her from seeing Lena. 

It’s not that she doesn’t want to see Lena. She does. Kara misses her so much that she wants nothing more than to hold Lena in her arms for as long as she possibly could. But seeing Lena—Lena smiling at her like that again, Kara couldn’t handle it. It’s her guilt for letting Lena down and for lying to her because of her own selfishness, the sadness and anger that she has at Lena for abandoning her, and the feeling of uselessness because she wasn’t able to make things right. It’s everything all together, gathered up into a pile of waves that comes and goes, crashing into her violently, always leaving her breathless. She once heard someone saying that she was grieving. But Kara doesn’t know if she can call whatever it is that she is feeling or going through as grief? Because Lena is very much well and alive. Yet, Kara did lose her and everything they ever had. Maybe it is grief. Kara doesn’t know. Whatever it is, it hurts. So much. 

The question comes out before she could stop herself. “Did Sam say why?”

Alex hums, frowning slightly as she replies, “business trip, apparently.”

“Right.” Of course. A business trip. 

Kara turns her head away, closing her eyes as she breathes in. She sees Lena back in the office again.

_ Selfish, coward, liar. _

Kara bites down her lip as she blinks the tears away, hoping Alex would not notice. Her sister doesn’t. If she does, Alex doesn’t say anything. They stay silent. Kara takes her time and Alex waits patiently by her side. 

A minute passes and Kara is still not ready to say anything but she knows she has to. It’s good to talk about it, as Kelly once told her. Even if it’s a little bit.

“You know you can ask,” Kara tells, breaking the stillness in the room. From the corner of her eye, she sees her sister tensing, guilt apparent on her face. 

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Kara lets out an unintentional scoff as she looks at her sister. “We’re kind of actually talking about it, aren’t we?”

Alex rolls her eyes. “Okay, don't give me sass,” she tells with humor, nudging Kara’s leg with her foot. Kara laughs weakly as Alex looks at her with gentleness in her brown eyes. “I’m not going to push you into talking if you don’t want to.” 

Kara smiles thinly. “I’m fine.” Kind of. “I was just...caught off guard.”

Alex throws her a pointed look but doesn’t comment on her statement further. “Since it’s a business trip, she’s probably going to be around for a while. Are you going to be okay?”

Kara lets out a hollow laugh, her heart aching. "Yeah. I mean, she didn’t want to see me before. I doubt that’s changed.” There’s no reason for Lena to see her. Not anymore.

Sighing, Alex moves closer next to her on the couch, closing the gap between them. She places a hand on Kara’s knee gently, pats it briefly as she tilts her head to the side, meeting Kara’s downcast eyes. “It’s been a year, Kara. Things can change.”

“Alex.” Her warning comes out weak. Alex ignores it. 

“It’s not wrong to hope,” her sister tells with a tender smile.

Kara wants to, hope that is, but what good does it bring when all that it leads to is heartache. She doesn’t feel like her heart can survive anymore damage, especially when it’s already beyond repair.

Shaking her head, Kara smiles weakly back at Alex. “I don’t think I deserve it.” After all that she’s done, how can she ever think that she’s worthy of Lena and her friendship. 

Alex frowns at her words. “That’s where you’re wrong.”

“I can’t, Alex.” Her voice begs Alex not to fight her on this. She’s tired—so tired of everything. Alex understands. She lets it drop reluctantly with a sigh. Her arm finds its way around Kara, pulling her into a side hug. Kara immediately finds comfort in Alex’s warmth, melts at her side, as she rests her head on Alex's shoulder, listening to the steady beat of her sister’s heart.

“You deserve happiness, Kara.”

Kara takes Alex’s hand in hers. “I am happy, Alex. I have you.” 

Kara looks up from Alex’s shoulder to see her sister smiling at her with tears brimming in her eyes. She looks down at their entwined hands and squeezes Alex’s hand gently. Alex says nothing, willing to let the conversation slide as she presses a kiss on Kara’s head instead. 

“Yeah, you’re stuck with me,” Alex tells warmly, squeezing Kara’s hand, as she pulls away and gets off the couch. “Come on, I promised potstickers. But please, spare some for me this time?”

Kara sends her a smile that reaches her eyes this time. “No promises.”

It turns out that the universe has a cruel sense of humor on her.

Kara thought that her encounter with Lena Luthor two nights ago was going to be the last and only run-in that she will ever have with the youngest Luthor while she’s in National City. But of course, the universe has other plans for her. 

It was inevitable, really. When Lena is in town, of course somehow Kara ends up being the one to interview the CEO about her return to National City and L-Corp’s latest groundbreaking invention. Her career is tied around the Lena—her being the one to always interview the younger woman and Lena, a known public figure that reporters usually on the lookout for. There’s no escape to it and Kara doesn’t blame her. After all, Lena was the lighthouse that guided her decision to become a reporter and Lena’s help had indeed led her to win a pulitzer prize. 

It _ always _ comes back to Lena.

Kara sighs dejectedly, rubbing her eyes with the heel of her palms as waves of exhaustion hits her. It was no use arguing with Snapper despite her best effort of telling him that she _ cannot _ interview Lena and how other journalists can do it instead. Snapper made it clear that she was the one to go and Kara, rather not having to hear Snapper yell at her again, caved into his demand.

So, here she is. At L-Corp. In a waiting room. Waiting to interview Lena.

Arriving twenty minutes earlier thanks to her dread anxiety, Kara sits anxiously in the waiting room, ignoring the pointed look that Jess occasionally sends her. Even Lena’s lovely assistant can tell that she’s nervous and possibly, very close to fleeing. 

She wanted to ask Nia to come along with her but the younger woman was already out on a story and James had left the city for a conference. It left her with no choice but to go alone. Kara doesn’t know if today can get any worse.

At least this time, she has a few minutes to get her mind together, right?

Rao, this is a disaster. 

Kara places her glasses back on her face, breathing in deeply with a palm pressed to her chest, right above her heart, hoping that it will calm her. It doesn’t, but Kara keeps trying, as she mutters repeatedly _ ‘It’s just an interview’ _ . And it _ is _ just an interview. There’s nothing for her to worry about. She is there to ask Lena questions and write down her answers. Simple.

Kara exhales shakily.

There are so many unsaid things between them but obviously Kara doesn’t plan to bring up Supergirl or Lena’s departure. This is a work visit after all. But if Lena starts to make small talk, Kara doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know if she can even say anything, let alone look at Lena’s face because every time her eyes meet Lena’s, she just breaks. And it doesn’t help that Lena was not hostile towards her when they first saw each other two nights ago. Lena was perfectly civil and she smiled. At her. 

Kara does not know what to make of that. She fully expected the youngest Luthor to never return, or if they were to meet again, Lena would be cold towards her, but Lena was not cold. She was hesitant but polite, and so awfully gentle. It throws Kara into an endless loop of confusion but she tells herself that whatever Lena is here for, it’s probably not for her. Kara does not want to believe anything but that.

The gentle beep of her phone interrupted her turmoiled thoughts. She takes out the device to see a text notification indicating a reply from Alex who she had texted earlier, persuading her for ice cream after work because honestly, Kara needs it. She opens the text and her heart eases slightly as she reads her sister’s comforting words.

_ Alex: Breathe. You can do this. If it gets too much, call me. And hell yeah ice cream after work. _

Kara smiles. She sends back a thumbs up and a heart.

“Miss Danvers?” Looking up from her phone, she sees Jess waiting for her at the door. “Miss Luthor is ready for you now.”

Kara nods briefly, shoving her phone back into her pocket as she makes her way into Lena’s office. And there she is, sitting behind the desk—Lena, with her black button up shirt and her hair loose around her shoulders, glowing from the sunlight that creeps through the glass window behind her. She looks ethereal, something Kara always thought when Lena's out in the sun. When her eyes—green as Kara remembers—meet hers, Lena smiles. 

Kara blinks the incoming tears away, her breath coming out unsteady, as she sends the woman a polite smile. “Miss Luthor.” 

Kara wonders if it’s possible to fall in love with someone even more. 

Lena’s smile falters from the formality and Kara feels her heart stuttering. She doesn’t think she can get out of this interview safe. There’s no way for her to shelter her heart when Lena can easily slip through her breaking defence. 

Kara breathes in. Right, she has a job to do. 

She slips into her work mode swiftly and turns out, it makes things slightly easier. She makes it work, despite her nerves and their initial awkwardness, albeit, Kara is sure that it’s because of Lena helping her along, answering her questions gracefully while she slips her usual snarky jokes in between conversations. It helps lighten the mood and Kara doesn’t feel as anxious as she did before. It feels like old times. But it’s not, really. Not when Lena is staring at her with this look in her eyes that Kara can’t quite figure out, not when Kara has to hold herself back from looking at Lena so lovingly when she speaks passionately about her new invention. It’s an event of pretence, which both parties are clearly aware of.

"Thank you so much,” Kara tells, when she is sure that she has everything for her article. “I think the piece should come out somewhere this week." She closes her notebook and pushes her glasses up her nose, her eyes meeting Lena’s in the process. 

_ Rao, they’re really green. _

Kara stands abruptly, which causes the CEO to raise her perfect brow at her. Clearing her throat, Kara smiles weakly at her. "It's been a pleasure, Miss Luthor.” 

Lena returns it with a smile of her own, one that looks a little sad. "Pleasure's all mine," Lena says, looking away as she lowers her head and crosses her arms. Kara feels her heart clenching. It’s this that she wants to avoid. This uncertainty, this wave of feelings that comes crashing into her again. Kara doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to leave it like this where the air is heavy and the silence is so loud. She looks around the room as her eyes falls on a vase filled with lovely blue irises that sits on Lena’s organised pantry.

“Those are nice,” Kara tells with a nod towards the flowers.

Lena lifts her head. With a confused frown, her eyes follow Kara’s. Her face softens when she sees the flowers. “Yes, they’re wonderful. Sam and Ruby thought the office needs cheering up,” she says with a small smile.

“Did they come with you?”

“Oh no, Ruby has school. They got the delivery guy to send it.”

“Right.”

The conversation drops and Kara doesn't know what else to say, afraid that if she opens her mouth again, she might blurt out things that she wanted to say a year ago—things that she wants to actually say now. Maybe now is the right time to leave.

"It's good to see you again, Lena." Kara smiles, her real smile this time, knowing that this might be goodbye. She turns to leave, exhaling wobbly as she heads towards the door. She’s going home. Snapper can be mad about it for all that she cares. 

"Kara."

Kara stops, shutting her eyes briefly before she turns, facing the younger woman. Lena is now standing, looking at Kara with her hands clasped together in front of her stomach. She squeezes her clasped hands briefly—a nervous gesture Kara picked up from years of friendship. Lena opens her mouth to speak, hesitating before she finally does. "I–"

Kara’s phone rings. She sends Lena an apologetic smile before taking the device out of her pocket. She frowns when she sees her sister’s DEO contact number. 

"Alex?" she answers the call.

“Hey, you don’t have your comms with you? There’s a robbery at National City’s bank. They have hostages.”

“I’m on my way.” She turns to Lena. “I have to go.”

Lena nods, smiling softly at her. “I know. Stay safe.” 

It’s that same smile she had two nights ago. Kara stares at her, confused—trying to figure out whatever it is that Lena’s doing because Kara can’t make out Lena’s character like she used to. Of course not. Not when it’s been so long.

Kara blinks, realising that she’s been staring for too long. She sends Lena a curt nod before walking out of the office, her mind set on the hostages she needs to save as she makes her way into an alley and flies off.

She spends the rest of the day trying to not think of Lena. She failed, miserably.

She tells Alex this, when they’re at home, with Alex bearing the promised ice cream. Her sister laughs at her. “Well, you always said that her eyes are hypnotising.”

“Stop it.” Kara bumps their shoulders together. Alex feigns pain, rubbing her shoulder before taking a chunk of Kara’s ice cream with her spoon.

“Wha—Alex!”

“Hey, it’s only fair since you ate my potstickers last time,” Alex tells as she safely secures the stolen ice cream into her bowl. 

Kara grumbles as she shoves a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. 

“Anyway, you know what I’m talking about.” Alex raises her brow teasingly. Kara scoffs, looking away so that Alex can’t see her warm and flushed face. 

Curse Alex and her sibling-spidey-sense.

Seeing Lena today, with her soft smile and warm green eyes, it’s easy to have those feelings again. Lena makes it so effortless. But those feelings also comes with guilt that fills her lungs, pain that burns in her chest and soon she is back in the ocean again, sinking. 

Alex seems to notice her sudden change of mood. Her sister takes their bowls of ice cream and places them on the coffee table, ignoring Kara’s whine for the loss of her ice cream. Alex places her hand on top of hers, smiling softly. “Hey, I’m so proud of you, you know that?” 

Kara sends Alex a wet smile. It warms her heart to know how much Alex cares for her. Kara doesn’t know if she would have been fine if it were not for Alex’s presence in her life. Kara turns her hand and holds Alex’s hand in hers.

“You know, I can always drag her here and make her talk to you,” Alex tells with a hint of humour. Kara throws a pointed look at her. “Kidding...offer still stands though.” 

She has no doubt that Alex would find a way to make it happen if Kara had asked her to. “I don’t think I can go through losing her again,” Kara tells, her voice wavering. Having Lena so close to her and knowing that she will soon be returning to Metropolis is already taking a toll on her heart. What if she tries to make things right again, only to fail at the end?

“What makes you so sure that you’re losing her again?”

Kara pulls away from her sister, exhaling harshly as frustration begins to build. “We’ve talked about this.”

“Yes, and I remember telling you that feelings can change, Kara.”

“The possibility is low, Alex.”

Alex snorts. “God, you sound like Brainy.” Kara frowns at her. Alex shakes her head, rubs her thumb gently in between Kara’s eyebrows, trying to undo her crinkle. “I won’t tell you this if I wasn’t sure. You know that.”

Kara frowns deeper and Alex gives up her attempt, taking Kara’s hands in hers instead. “You know when I went to Metropolis for Ruby’s soccer game? The one where I had to bring a minivan because Sam needed one for the team?”

“Yeah, Haley wasn’t really happy about you borrowing the DEO’s van.”

“Don’t remind me. But that’s not what I’m trying to tell you.” Alex bites her lower lip nervously. “I saw Lena.”

Kara stiffens. “Oh.”

Alex tilts her head to the side with a remorseful look on her face. Kara squeezes her sister’s hands, prompting for her to continue.

“I didn’t tell you because it wasn’t a really nice encounter.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, she was...not happy to see me,” Alex states with a mocking smile. “It's only been a few months since she left and I don’t know. I saw her at the game and she started saying these really mean things about you and me and I got pissed. So I kinda told her, in a more polite way—to screw off.”

“Alex!”

“She was really mean, okay?" Alex exclaims exasperatedly, ignoring the look Kara was giving her. “I'm not going to tell you what she said. I-It gets me angry just thinking about it.” 

“I’m sorry.” Kara tells with a sympathetic look. What Lena said must have been really awful as Alex looked truly hurt. It pains her that she got Alex into this mess that she created. Not only Alex, but all of their mutual friends. Kara feels the familiar pile of waves crashing into her again.

Her sister shakes her head. “You have nothing to apologise for," Alex declares. "But that's not it What I’m trying to say is, she’s here now. Even after what we both said to each other at the game. And from what you have told me, she hasn’t been mean to you so far. How can you not think that maybe she wants to make things right with you again?”

“You think so?” Kara asks, her voice small. 

Alex nods with a smile. “Sibling-spidey-sense, remember?”

Kara laughs. Her heart now lighter, with a small spark of hope illuminating in it. It feels wrong and out of sorts. “I don’t know what to do if I fail again.”

“It’s her loss then,” Alex says blatantly. “And I’ll be here for you, always.”

“With potstickers?”

“With potstickers. Even if I have to get two jobs.” 

Kara laughs again and Alex laughs with her. They lean in close to each other until the side of their heads are touching. It’s easy to feel so lost and alone in a world so foreign yet familiar, but with Alex by her side, Kara knows that there’s home here, where she is loved and cherished. Perhaps, even when the burden is hers and hers alone to bear, she doesn’t have to go through it all by herself. 

Kara hopes she can repay Alex somehow. After all, Alex deserves happiness and everything good in this world. Maybe she can ask Cat for help.

There’s a knock on her door and Alex pulls away. “Oh, pizza’s here,” she says, getting off the couch as she heads towards the door. Kara grabs her disregarded bowl of ice cream from the coffee table, frowning when she sees the confection’s liquid form.

The sound of the door being slammed closed diverts her attention away from her poor ice cream. She looks at Alex, who is standing at the door with an awkward smile. Kara raises her brow at her sister. “What?”

“What what?”

“Where’s the pizza?”

Alex laughs—that high pitched laugh, a clear indication that she’s hiding something. “Oh, _ not _ the pizza guy.”

Kara frowns deeper. She pushes her glasses down as she uses her x-ray vision to see who’s behind the door. 

“Hey! Don’t–”

“Lena.” Kara pushes her glasses back onto her face, standing up abruptly from the couch as she places her ice cream aside.

Alex groans, rubbing her face with her hand. “Great, you just have to use you powers.”

“You closed the door on Lena?!” 

“I panicked!”

“Wha–Alex, open the door!”

Alex gives Kara an exasperated look. Throwing her hands up in the air, she turns—facing the door, and re-opens it while Kara moves and stands next to her.

Lena is still there, thankfully, with a slight frown on her pretty face. She’s still in her work clothes, her eyes tired from a long day. Alex gives her a curt nod. “Lena.”

“Alex.”

“Sorry about that,” Alex apologises though her tone tells differently.

Lena shakes her head. “After what happened in Metropolis, I think I deserve that.”

Alex’s stiff demeanour softens a little. She opens the door wider, standing to the side so that Kara can stand in front of Lena. When Lena’s eyes meet Kara’s, her lips curled into a soft smile. “Kara. Hi.”

“Hi,” Kara replies, out of breath just like Lena was. “What are you doing here?” she blurts, cringing when she realises that her question may came out as rude. She’s not trying to be. She's just surprised, like Alex was. To see Lena standing in front of her apartment, somewhere Kara was sure Lena would never want to set her foot in again.

If Lena was affected by her words, she didn’t show it. “I’m sorry to disturb. I-I was hoping if we could talk.”

Kara feels her heart stuttering in her chest. She shifts her eyes to Alex who gives her an encouraging look. Kara breathes in and turns her head towards Lena. “Now’s not the best time.”

“Oh.” Lena looks dejected and Kara shakes her head. She didn't mean it like that. She wants to—talk that is, but she needs time to think. And clearly, she is not ready to have Lena in her space yet. Not when the uncertainty is still there.

“How about tomorrow?” Kara asks. She sees the sadness on Lena's face disappearing. “Your place?” 

"Yes," Lena answers enthusiastically. "Though I'm currently staying in a hotel." 

Kara nods, taking in the details of the place where Lena is staying half-heartedly. Part of her is glad that Lena was no longer staying in her old penthouse. Kara doesn’t think she can go back to that place yet. 

Lena bids them goodbye and Kara closes the door, as she leans back against it, letting out an unsteady exhale.

"Hey, you okay?" Alex grips her arm gently, her face full of concern. 

Kara nods at her, unable to speak. Her mind still foggy from what just happened and the beat of her heart is still drumming loudly in her ears. She gives Alex a reassuring smile. She’s okay. She’s trying to be and if her talk with Lena tomorrow goes well, perhaps, she will be better. But for now, Kara lets herself be. In the comfort of her home, where Lena’s presence still lingers and Alex is by her side. And this time, Kara doesn’t mind letting the hope in her heart grow. 

She is unsure of how long she has been standing in front of Lena’s hotel room without actually knocking on the door. The flowers in her hand is already looking a little bit rumpled as she kept on fidgeting with it. It was the same flowers which Lena had in her office. Kara finds it beautiful and Lena seems to love it. She had bought it out of habit—something she usually did whenever she came over to Lena’s place. 

It feels like old times, but it’s not, really.

Exhaling shakily, Kara brushes off the pollen that had gotten onto her dress shirt that Alex had picked for her. It’s the same one which Lena had once complimented, saying that it brings out her blue eyes. She’s not trying to impress Lena. Okay, maybe a little—at least, to soften things. It’s only because Kara so much wants to make things right with her. They don’t have to be best friends again, Kara doesn’t expect it. The only reason she came here is to apologise and explain because this is what Lena deserves. It’s what Kara owed her. And perhaps, even if they’re no longer friends, at least they can be acquaintances that no longer holds any hatred or anger against each other.

She almost yelped with surprise when the door in front of her opens, revealing a very comfy looking Lena, who is wearing a soft grey sweater that shows off her pale shoulders and the star printed sweatpants that she loves so much. Kara blinks, still a little bit startled as Lena sends her a sheepish smile.

“Sorry, it’s just that you’ve been standing there for quite some time.”

“Oh, how–”

“The reception informed me when you came up,” she tells, looking slightly amused at what must’ve been Kara’s confused face. She opens the door wider to let Kara in as her eyes falls on the blue irises in Kara’s hand. “You brought flowers.”

Kara fiddles with her glasses shyly. “I...old habits.” 

Lena smiles gently at her and it seems to make her look even softer that Kara has to shove her free hand into her pocket to avoid herself from pulling Lena into her arms. Her heart yearns, and Kara tries her hardest not to let it show. 

She hands Lena the flowers, careful not to let their fingers brush. Lena takes it gently, caressing the petals with her thumb. “Thank you,” she says, looking up at Kara with gratitude.

Lena turns and heads into her room as Kara closes the door behind them. She watches Lena, eyes following her as the woman sets the flowers on the table with tenderness, making sure the petals are not crushed. 

“Are you hungry?” she asks.

If the situation had been different, Kara would have said yes. Right now, there’s a pool of anxiousness sitting in her stomach and Kara doesn’t think she can consume anything without feeling sick. She shakes her head no. 

Lena then proceeds to take a seat on the couch, her hand patting on the spot next to her gently. Kara stares at her for a moment, unsure, before she sits at the end of the couch, leaving a huge space between them. She doesn’t look at Lena, finding it difficult to. Kara stares at her tangled fingers in her lap as she waits for Lena to break the heavy silence. 

“I missed you.”

Kara stiffens. It wasn’t what she was expecting. Not from Lena at least. She lifts her head to look at Lena who’s gaze softens when their eyes meet. 

“I missed you too, Lena. So much,” Kara tells, her voice wavering as she feels tears brimming in her eyes. 

“I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to begin this,” Lena confesses and Kara doesn’t blame her, not when she doesn’t either. She rehearsed this in her head many times before she came her tonight yet Kara seems to forget everything she had prepared, every word that she had compiled together for her to say.

When it comes to Lena, nothing can really prepare her.

“Maybe from the heart?” Kara encourages softly. 

Lena stares at her—her green eyes searching Kara’s face. A minute passes before she finally speaks. “Can I ask why?”

It’s direct and straight to the point. Kara falters. She casts her gaze downwards to her hands. “A lot of reasons,” she answers, looking up to see a frown forming on Lena’s face. “But not the ones that you’re thinking of.” 

Lena relaxes from Kara’s reassurance but the frown on her face stays.

“It’s just—” Kara sighs, wondering why it’s so hard for her to get the words out. “You know, Lilian once told me that if you ever found out about me being Supergirl, you’d hate me and I was terrified of that, of losing you. You found out and she was right.”

“I don’t.” Kara stares at her with bewilderment. “I was angry and upset, but I don’t hate you. I care about you too much that hating you seemed impossible,” Lena says, with pain glistening in her eyes. 

Kara’s heart bleeds. She doesn’t understand. Lena should’ve hated her.

“I’m sorry for the pain that I’ve caused—that I made it difficult for you to feel like you could ever tell me.”

“Lena, no.” Kara counters immediately, shaking her head. “You did nothing wrong. You don’t have to apologise.” After all, this was her doing, not Lena’s.

“In some ways, I do. I think I understand now why you did it. Leaving helped, which I do not regret. I needed space to figure out what’s real and what’s not,” she smiles sadly, “but I am sorry for not giving you the chance to explain and for not telling you that I was going away.”

Kara blinks the tears away, as she shakes her head again. “You did nothing wrong.”

“Kara–”

“I hurt you. In the worst possible way. You were so honest with me, about yourself, about Lex, about everything, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell you because I was so terrified of losing one of the only few people that I can just be Kara with. You needed Kara more than you needed Supergirl and I took advantage of that. I’m sorry.” 

She expected to feel relieved from finally being able to tell Lena about this, but all Kara feels is regret for not telling Lena sooner, for letting it go on to the point where both of them ended up hurting. 

Tears continue to trail down her cheeks and Kara wipes them away, ignoring the wetness sticking on her sleeves. She lifts her head to look at Lena, who is staring at her with that same look she had during their interview yesterday. Kara understands now, what it is. It’s Lena, _ seeing _ her. Kara Zor-El and Kara Danvers.

Lena breathes in as she whispers, “you really care about me.” 

“I love you, Lena.”

Lena smiles at her with tears in her eyes. “It seems that we both have made mistakes,” she pauses, laughing wetly. “Sam was right. We both have been incredibly stubborn.”

Kara finds herself laughing too. Alex had said the same thing. 

Lena moves closer to her on the couch, closing the distance between them. Kara sees her eyes clearly—green and warm. She had forgotten how gentle they are. 

“I didn’t come back to National City just for a business trip. To be honest, it’s all a facade,” Lena tells, pausing to take a breath as she straightens her posture. “I am here to make amends. So, Kara Danvers,” Lena nervously holds out her hand. “Can we try again?”

Kara stares at Lena’s hand. Slowly, she covers it with hers, her fingers trembling at the contact. To feel Lena’s soft skin underneath her fingertips. She’s here. It feels surreal.

Kara laughs. 'Yes,”she tells, her voice thick with tears. “I-I would like that very much.”

And suddenly she feels Lena’s warmth, her fingers clutching the back of her shirt. Kara holds her as tightly as she could, drops her head onto Lena’s shoulder, as she catches the scent of Lena’s perfume that Kara loved so much. 

She feels Lena. Lena. _ Lena _.

Kara cries, and Lena follows.

For a while, they held onto each other and when they pull apart, they’re still in each other’s arms, foreheads touching, breathes lingering. Lena hands hold her face gently, caressing Kara’s cheek with her thumb. Kara turns her face, kissing the palm of Lena’s hand tenderly. The air feels different, but it’s unmentioned, as words aren’t needed. It feels right and they both understand. 

And later that night, while they’re in Lena’s bed and in the comfort of each other's embrace, Lena tells Kara that she is staying. And Kara—Kara finally feels like she can breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Happy s5 day :)


End file.
